My baby, exclusively breast fed (which I say with great pride, although I feel guilty when I say it. I know plenty of women who tried desperately to breast feed and did everything right and it just didn't work out. There before the grace of the mammary gods go I.), used to poop at least once, sometimes twice at every feeding. Once her digestive system began to mature she moved to a once a day kind of poopy girl. Then, every other day. Every other day caused me some stress because I never knew when that poop was coming and it wasn't really a poop it was more like a LAKE of poop. I didn't want to dress her in one of her super cute outfits if I knew the poop was coming. You know what I mean? Although I've been VERY successful in getting poop out of clothes. (My secret: rinse out RIGHT away and then spray with Zout. Wash whenever.)

So now it's been like THREE days. NO POOP. Plenty of pee and absolutely disgusting farts (what am I eating?!?! I don't fart like that!) and I'm on edge every time I hear some rumblings down there. Just poop already baby girl! Mommy can't take the stress! (I know that it's perfectly normal for breast fed babies to go awhile without poop. She's peeing fine and is in her usual great mood, so I'm not worried about her health. Just that I'm going to drown in all the poop when it finally comes.)

I know the poop's coming though because today I have to take her into the dr for some shots and you just know that she'll poop all over the doctor's office. For sure.

I bought a new pump too and I've been trying to pump because Meli's daddy and I have a VERY special date Thursday night.

There's so much to talk about - I started yet another new project, but this one's going to stick. There was too much prep involved for it not to work. And I worked my first job since Meli's been born and everything was good, sort of, but it's done and I'm glad to have that under my belt. And we were gone for eight nights and I've never been so happy to sleep in my own bed. No matter how many people are sleeping in it.

Missed you all. Be back soon. Pray for poop.

Tuesday I did a last minute photo shoot for a 2 week old baby girl. I can't even remember Meli that new anymore. Isn't that so sad? Then I went and had my hair cut and colored. It was desperately needed as I hadn't had it colored since about two weeks before Meli was born. Whew! G was on and he did GREAT! Sent me a picture of the baby sleeping away while I was halfway through my appointment.

First thing Wednesday we had Meli's four month check up. For those keeping score, she was 13.8 lbs and 24.75 inches. I thought it was pretty funny that she was 10.8 at 2 months, 12 at 3 months and 13.8 at 4 months. Guess she's a 1.5 lb a month kind of girl! The doctor said she's perfect. Like we didn't know that. ;-) Then we went and sat at the car place. Needed a new tire after Monday.

Thursday we had lunch with some out of town friends in the city and I also made up the appointment I missed on Monday because of the tire.

MAN am I tired! I've been doing badly with the sleep thing too. Meli is generally out for the night by around 10PM and then she sleeps for about six hours. If I was smart, I'd be going to sleep then too, but lately I've been reading a book I read about on Terry's blog: The Devil in the White City. I'm really liking the book which is weird for me because I never read non-fiction. I'm really a fiction kind of girl, but this book has really pulled me in. It's about the World's Fair in Chicago and what went into building it, the city at the time, and the parallel lives of the architects of the Fair and a serial killer on the loose in Chi-town. Anyway, it's keeping me up at night. I nurse Meli to sleep and then I read. It's great fun but I'm exhausted.

And in between all of these things I knit what felt like eighty million swatches for (yet another!) new project. FINALLY I've settled on a yarn and now I just have to wait for the colorway I want to arrive. I'm SO super excited about this project - it has everything I've grown to love about knitting in it, and I just want to start NOW. I'm proud that I've been diligent, though, in making sure everything is just right. I hope to talk about it soon.

It probably won't be another week until I post again. We're going on a bit of a vacation tomorrow until mid-week and then I'm at my sister's through the weekend. God I wish I had that yarn! Have a wonderful weekend!

We were at Fatburger in Jersey City, NJ. G was using the rest room and I was mimicking this new sound Meli's been making. It's kind of a roar type thing - like she's trying to be a fierce dinosaur or a lion or something. She does this funny thing with her tongue when she's doing it. So I was doing it back to her and all of a sudden she started to laugh! I was totally startled at first. Did I really hear it? I've been waiting and waiting for a real and true laugh - ever since she started making sounds. I roared at her again and she just erupted in giggles. It was for real for real.

Georgie came back to our table and I was able to get Meli to laugh again and again. Then Lovely Day came on the jukebox and I literally burst into tears. I could barely contain myself. I didn't know it at the time, but Georgie ordered it up for us before he went to the bathroom. Lovely Day indeed.

Maybe it's not so bad after all!

Look at my girl go! She's been rolling over as well. From her belly to her back although the other day I thought she might go from her back to her front. Of course, tummy time still ends in tears, but it takes a lot longer to get there.

She's learning every day - it's just so wonderful to watch! I've been trying to do some tummy time every morning. I take off her diaper and let her go free for a spell - you know - air out and stuff. She's definitely slowed down the poops - way down - which makes me a bit nervous always waiting for the next big poop, but so far we've been okay. I'd just hate to put her in one of her super cute little outfits and have her blow out in it. She's sleeping great at night still, even if she's stopped napping the last couple of days. She falls asleep but wakes up so easy. Although today she's going long. She still gets up once or twice a night, but now that I've mastered nursing on my side, I just pop in the boob and we go right back to sleep. I don't turn the light on or sit up or watch the clock so it's almost like I never wake up. And yes. Meli is currently sleeping with us. In our bed. (This little revelation is NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. We're doing what's right for us as I'm sure all of you wonderful parents out there are doing what's right for your family. I appreciate your opinions, but don't really want them on this particular topic. The opinions of the grandparents are enough, thank you very much! ;-) )

Her visit with her cousins was chock full of excitement! My sister and I were quite ambitious and managed to hit the beach one day, the State Fair one night, lots of pool time, fireworks and even breakfast out and a shopping trip. Craziness! Their time with us just flew by and we miss them lots. Although we'll be seeing them soon enough.

Thank you all so much for your great comments the last few posts. I'm so glad to hear from each and every one of you and I'm thrilled about the knitblog discussion. I've been visiting new to me blogs and am heartened by the community once again. Knitting should make an appearance here soon - I've been knitting - although my sister's visit put my current project on pause. It's a great pattern though and one I can't wait to show off! Super cute!

I'll end this post with another picture of Meli - this is what she has to say to me when I tell her listen to your mother! Tummy time RULES!

Last year, on this day, two embryos were thawed and transfered into my uterus.

To say it was difficult getting to that day - getting successfully THROUGH that day - is a tremendous understatement. It's only now, in hindsight, that I realize how depressed and sometimes desperate I was in my struggle to get pregnant. And most of it was mental and emotional. The physical issues preventing us from getting pregnant on our own were relatively easily fixed by IVF. I think I always knew that once we did the procedure, we'd get pregnant so maybe that's why I panicked so badly 3.5 years ago. We panicked. It's true, we panicked together. Neither one of us was ready at that moment, but I've always felt responsible.

Afterward, I kept myself busy. Told myself it was the right thing to do. I started this blog. Tried to escape how badly I felt.

I once had a dream about those frozen embryos. A letter came to me in the mail. With a picture of an embryo attached to it. "When are you going to come claim your children?" The letter seemed to scream at me. It gave an update on the "kids" like you'd get from one of those orphan children organizations. "Here is your frozen embryo. It's doing well, but it needs you." This particular embryo was named Ida. The doctor from the clinic had sent it.

Already I was a terrible mother.

For months (years?) I walked around ready to burst into tears, but at the time I'm not sure I would've completely connected it to the lack of a baby. Guilt is an awful lot to bear.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wanted a baby more than anything, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I set a course of action - which for me meant lots of psychiatric help - whether or not it was truly warranted - and I built myself a support system that wouldn't allow me to fail.

I say I I I, but it was always we. Georgie was and always has been and continues to be my greatest support. While it was always our decision, together, to have a child, it was still me who physically and mentally had to be the most ready.

That day last year was bright and sunny and I was scared to death but I was also very excited. There was no turning back. My own personal independence day. In my heart I know that July 6, 2007 was one of my greatest triumphs ever and I can't believe it's been a year. What a wonderful, awesome, gorgeous, lovely year.

Happy 4th! Happy Friday!

To start, I want to thank everyone that left such thought provoking and generous comments. I promise I wasn't trying to be provocative, I was just elaborating on an off hand comment I wrote the other day. I've read all your comments and have taken them to heart. Here's what I'm thinking:

EVOLUTION: I think you're absolutely right - blogs evolve. They have never and probably will never be any kind of static platform. Just as we evolve as humans (we hope), how we communicate will most likely evolve. I used words like suffer and death and I think they are appropriate in all kinds of evolution. Things change - something gives, something dies. I'm beginning to think that my lamentations on knitblogs, per se, has a lot more to do with me and my life than the actual state of knitblogging. My life has changed so much over the past year - immeasurably so - that it's only natural that I'd want some things to stay the same. My blog changed, and it seems everyone else's changed too and I miss how things were. I guess I'm still grieving for the blogger I once was; I was always very proud to be carry the label knitblogger, then someone called me a mommy blog the other day and honestly I cringed. I'm not ready to change my moniker. I've got almost 300 feeds on my bloglines list and maybe 50 are something other than knitting blogs. I suffered from infertility, yet I have maybe one or two infertility blogs on my list - and that's because they were both knitters. I have a couple mommy-ish blogs - but really they're about products - not people. When I found knitting blogs I found my home. Now I sort of feel adrift at sea. Melodramatic, perhaps, but it's how I feel. And I fully believe you should feel what you feel.

RAVELRY, et al: I'm (one of) the biggest Ravelry hypocrites out there. I have no problem browsing for patterns or checking out what yarns people have used for a particular pattern for WAY too long, but I haven't updated my projects on there after the my first initial posts. So I'm using the database, but not contributing too it. Honestly, the minute I heard about Ravelry I took the position of Chicken Little. And when I heard there would be forums? Ugh. I've spent my share of Internet time on forums and honestly I've seen nothing good come of it. In fact, I've seen a lot of ugliness. But there's no denying that change is good and welcome and inevitable. I've benefited from Ravelry just like the next knitter or crocheter or spinner. I just can't be a contributer - it's not for me. Same goes with Flickr. I never had a Flickr account until I started my Ravelry account and that's not for me either. Photography is a HUGE part of my life, but it's also a job for me and something just doesn't feel right about my pictures on Flickr. I'm sure this is an ignorant bias on my part that someone will surely point out, but again. It's not for me. Same thing with a lot of these other internet tools. The fact is I'm a blogger. It suits me very well. I love to write and I love to take the pictures I need to take and I like having the control to do what I want with my words and photographs. The fact that I have an audience makes it all that much better, but I've realized these last few months that I'd be here regardless.

The bottom line is I've allowed myself tremendous growth in so many areas of my life, that now I'm going to feel free to let my blog grow. From now on I'm going to disavow any and all labels - I'm no longer a knit blogger or a mommy blogger or a photo blog or an infertility blog. This blog is me. All the parts of me. For better or worse.

Thank you all, again, as always, for coming along for the ride.

BUT, and this is MY OPINION (although one that is probably shared by many others) things have DEFINITELY changed in the knitblog community. The other day I received an email that the knitblog web ring was changing its ring software and you have to re-sign to be a part of the ring. When I first signed up there were very specific rules for joining the ring - for example, you had to post on a fairly regular basis and the posts had to mostly be about knitting. According to the knitblog web ring website, there were about 1300 blogs on the old ring and so far 44 people have signed up for the new ring. AND the rules have been relaxed. You only have to post once a month now. I'd be willing to bet that a significant majority of the blogs on the old ring wouldn't even be allowed to join now.

To me, that signals a dramatic shift in the knitblogging community.

Why? Of course, blogging is a fluid enterprise. People come and go all the time. Priorities shift, life events get in the way, but this seems to much larger than just the usual comings and goings in the community. For better or worse, IN MY OPINION Ravelry has had A LOT to do with it. There are many many blogs on my bloglines list that post very sporadically and when they do, they blatantly say they've been on Ravelry. It's MY OPINION that the interesting discussions about knitting and projects that used to be on the blogs have moved over there - instead of many in-depth posts about a project we generally get one wrap up post that says the details are over on Ravelry. No doubt, Ravelry is an extraordinary tool in this community, but the social aspects of it have had a huge impact on what I loved about knitblogs.

I'm not innocent by any stretch of the imagination. The knit part of my blog has suffered greatly since I got pregnant and the blog part of my blog has suffered as well. I still knit, for sure - I've started 87 projects in the last month - none of which are very satisfying. And most of my posts are about my baby. Yes. It's true. I'd like to think I was prescient in that I named my blog the very narcissistic January One - no knitting in that title. It's all about ME.

Maybe I'm just bored and knitblogs are still as vibrant as they ever were. Maybe it's true that the blogs I'm subscribed to have changed, but there are still knitbloggers out there ready to inspire. Leave me some blogs in the comments if you've got some you really love. My computer time is limited, but I'd love to laugh and be inspired. Who wouldn't?

Again - MY BLOG HAS SUFFERED. I am not holding myself out as some kind of paradigm perfect blogger. I'm as guilty as the next person. But I do think there's been a cosmic shift in the community - and maybe it's my own fault - but I can't help but feel out of the loop. The community I knew and loved has changed. (Although you could say it's been coming for awhile. I've felt a similar shift at the last few fiber events I attended as well.)

Go ahead. I'm ready for the shit storm. Remember, though, my computer time is limited. As evidenced by how my own blog has changed, the baby is my #1 priority.

Again with the firsts! Meli was the consummate traveler, which made her travel loving father very very proud and her crazy mama very very grateful. First and foremost, I flew drug free. I can't tell you how HUGE this was for me. I took every precaution though - lots of pumped milk (which I proudly threw away when we got home - it was totally bad by then!) and a new Xanax prescription - none of which was needed. The flight down Sunday was delayed by weather - and when I say delayed I mean we were next for take off when an incredible storm came through. We were literally on the plane, on the runway, when golf ball size hail started falling all around us with 60 mile an hr wind shears and super lightning. I'm not kidding. It was a freaking monsoon. Then we saw the most gorgeous rainbow ever and took off. Craziness. Here we are on the very uneventful flight home:

I swear, my head's not that small and my arms aren't that big.

We flew Jet Blue and since my daughter is a bona fide couch potato, she either did this:

Or this:

I gotta say, if I'm not flying first class, Jet Blue is the best. They're all extremely conscious of the runway debacle last year when people sat for 8 hrs so you are guaranteed not to be sitting on the plane more than three now. And all they do is apologize for the delays and come on all the time to update you. And there's tv. Lots of tv. Which makes me feel like I'm sitting in my living room - at least sort of - and not like I'm stuck on an airplane. It was a very nice experience.

Florida was HOT. Stifling. Unbearable. But the baby definitely enjoyed the pool.

Meli is usually pretty good when she takes a bath, and the pool was no different. She was quite calm in the water. Besides the pool, we went for a quick dip in the Gulf of Mexico (water temp: 89 degrees F - my kind of water temp.) We can't wait until she's old enough to really enjoy the water. Both her dad and I love to swim.

She was quite the Kool Kat by the pool!

We went to Florida for a birthday party for a friend who hasn't been feeling so well, and while we were there Baby Meli got to meet Big Meli! And she took a few pictures for us!

All in all it was a very successful visit. Incredibly stressful, but successful. I'm so glad to be home. But that doesn't mean things will be quieting down anytime soon. Next week is my sister's annual 4th of July visit with her kids which can only mean there will be much fun and everything will be crazy hectic!

I hope to pop in before then. While the death of blogs - or at least knitting blogs - seems to be on everyone's mind these days - I still love mine and intend to keep it going. I hope you'll stay for the ride!

Thank you!
L, C

Tomorrow we are going to Florida. Yes. We're getting on a plane with our baby and heading south.

We'll only be gone a couple of days - we fly back Tuesday - and our reasons for going are both good and bad (everyone's okay.)

Like I said. The exact opposite of relaxing.

If I make it through the flight without popping a Xanax I may actually be cured. With all of these phobias dropping like flies, Annie says I will have completely lost my edge and be yet another suburban mom driving a station wagon wearing mom jeans.

So I made sure I scored a few Xanax from the doctor. I mean, carrying around narcotics in the diaper bag definitely makes me edgy. Wouldn't you say?

Wish us luck. Maybe you can relax for me.

I promise you, I'm not bragging.

More than anything, this feat makes me a bit sad. I used to love waking up to nurse her in the middle of the night. It was always so quiet, just the sound of her swallowing and her heavy breathing and Georgie's breathing beside me. Everything was calm and lovely. I never minded it at all - no matter what the hour and how little sleep I had before she woke. The first smiles came in the middle of the night. Same with the first coos.

Now it's just Meli and her dad snoring away. I sometimes wake up, but she doesn't. She's growing up. Growing away. I'm being a tad melodramatic, I know, but it's true. Everyday she does something new and better and that means I'm doing my job well, but it's not lost on me that doing my job well means that one day she won't need me - as much - I hope she will always need me for something.

It seems so long ago I was pregnant. So long ago that she was first born. It's true the whole time flies thing. And yet I can't wait until she's just a little bit older when she can do this or that or the next thing. A conundrum this parenting thing. Definitely a conundrum.

Meanwhile, she's been sleeping in her swing for an hour and a half already. Put herself to sleep there sucking on two fingers. Woke up once, but quickly fell back asleep. I pumped (one day I'll talk about pumping) and took pictures to prepare for this post and now I'm writing it. I'm experimenting with this nap thing. So far so good! I feel like a new woman with all this free time! YAY!

Anyway, last night my sister was telling me that the pictures I took of Meli the other day reminded her of some of my baby pictures. I thought I knew which ones she was talking about and it turns out that I have them, and they are of me at pretty much exactly the same age Meli is now. The date on the back of the pictures is April 10, 1970. You all remember my birthday, right?

(Sorry for the shitty pictures. My scanner's broken and this is the best I could do!)
What do you think? Here's Meli again, in case you forgot what she looks like:

Unfortunately, I don't have any real baby photos of her daddy, although the resemblance is definitely there. I have to confess, I was so relieved when she was born - relieved that she looked like us. From the minute I saw her there was something familiar about her. There was a picture I had in my head - a picture of me as a baby - that I thought was totally like her and I had my sister find it in my house and bring it to me in the hospital.

I was six weeks old in those pictures. That's my mom holding me. Here's Meli - maybe a week or two old:

This may seem odd to you, but given how Meli was conceived - an IVF cycle followed by a Frozen Embryo Transfer - it was really important to me that she look like us. Maybe some of you out there who did fertility treatments will understand, but I'm so glad there's a family resemblance.

Lots of people will tell me she looks just like me and lots of people will tell me she looks just like her dad, but I think she's a perfect combination of the both of us.

And now she's up. Which is really really nice because I've missed her.

Of course, then, yesterday she actually took a nap in her swing and I was able to clean up a bit and we had a fabulous photoshoot and I was even able to process the photographs.

Meli is doing great! She had her three month appointment the other day and she's now 12 lbs, 24 inches which puts her right smack in the middle of the charts. Fifty percent across the board. And yet she seems so big to us. She's doing so many things - talking all the time. She can lift her head wonderfully:

Although tummy time still ends like this:

We're still taking our long walks most days and usually she sleeps, but she's also become incredibly fascinated with these two little toys attached to her car seat. She can stare at them one - going back and forth between the two - for an amazingly long time (for a three month old!) and she gets so animated, talking to them and kicking her feet. She loves to kick!

I've been trying to get her on video but every time we turn on the camera she clams up. Seriously. She'll be talking and laughing and on goes the camera and nothing. Turn it off and she turns it on again. Little stinker!

One thing she does that I just love is wring her hands. I've been calling her an old washerwoman - you know - wringing her hands - woe is me. My kids never call. The sky is falling. But then a few people actually said it looks like she's knitting! And these were strangers who don't know me at all! What do you think?

Maybe it's too hard to tell from pictures. I'll try to get some video - if Meli will cooperate. Another thing she just loves to do is chew on her fingers. She's been putting her fingers to her mouth since she was born, but now she can actually get them inside. Occasionally you can hear her slurping away on her fingers. She seems to prefer them over her thumb. But not really in any consistent way. She's still a paci girl.

Now that she's entered the Golden Age of Babyhood (all smiles, more sleep, still not mobile) I'm going to try hard to put her down more. She never liked the sling very much and she's good in the Baby Bjorn for a limited amount of time now that I can turn her out, but it's still awkward for me. I also think some of my crabbiness has come from being out too much. We were in Philadelphia three weekends in a row. (Twice Meli and I drove by ourselves! Cross another milestone off the list!) I'm so looking forward to doing NOTHING this weekend. Maybe some pool time. Maybe some knitting. I still haven't been able to seam those sleeves on her little sweater. Even if we just sit around as a family. That would be enough.

I leave you with more pictures of my girl. Thanks, as always, for indulging us. We so appreciate it!