It's been a really hard last month.

I'm exhausted.

I figure this is good practice for when the baby comes. Who needs sleep, right?

I should really go back to bed, but I wanted to pop in and give thanks to all of you. And say this: hug your loved ones today. Tell them you love them and appreciate them. Say thank you.

L, C

One of the things I've been thinking about is, of course, the passing of the decade. Having been born in a 0 year (1970 for those wondering) when the world's decade changes, so does mine. It's been particularly interesting for me this year because it seems that everyone keeps talking about how awful the last ten years have been and what a relief it is that the oughts (ought what? aught? whatever!) are over.

I turned 30 in 2000 and I was so super excited about it. For me it meant I wasn't a kid anymore and I fully embraced my adulthood. My 20s weren't the best and I couldn't wait to leave them behind. I was much more settled and self-assured and I was finally an adult that could do all kinds of adult things with (at the time) a limited amount of responsibilities. FUN TIMES!

The past ten years, for me, have been the most fulfilling, most joyous, most content years of my life. So far. In the past ten years I became an aunt (almost) six times over. I became a wife. I became a mother.

I learned to knit.

I had my greatest professional accomplishments in that I had original fiction published four times. I started my own business. We bought a house. (The apartment we bought in the 90s.) The list goes on and on and mostly it's good.

I also survived some pretty devastating stuff - infertility the highest among them.

But I'd like to think I came out stronger and more self-aware and self-assured than I would have had I not lived through these things.

I guess it's true that the past ten years haven't been the best in terms of the United States or the world in general but for me they've been very full and fulfilling. I'm a little sorry to let my 30s go.

No fear though - 40 will prove to be just as exciting! Why just next week my husband will finally have the hip surgery, postponed three years ago, that should change his life for the better. Fingers crossed that his debilitating pain ends quickly and that he recovers and rebounds fast and furiously! He better because come Spring, we'll have another little one to contend with! YES! We're having a BABY! Our due date is mid-June (the actual due date varies depending upon which doctor you speak to) and so far everything is great. And by great I mean that I feel like crap all the time (just like the first.) I'm just about 16 weeks now and for the first 13.5 I was sicker than with Meli, but I actually think I'm a bit better now than I was with her at the same time. So maybe it won't be as bad the whole way through. Trust me when I say you're glad I wasn't around when I was really sick though because I was REALLY sick and not an ounce of fun.

For the curious few, we did a frozen embryo transfer again and everything worked perfectly, just as it did the first time. We are extremely lucky and know it. We tell ourselves all the time.

So here I am, forty and knocked up. Want to see a picture? (No belly - just me and my girl!)

Anyway - there we are. The picture was taken last Monday and I still can't believe how long our hair is! Someone needs a comb!

Let's start the year off right, shall we? Just yesterday I finished a pair of birthday socks for myself:

I have been waiting to use this sock yarn, STR Lightweight in Crazy Lace Agate, for years. Some how I never got around to a jaywalker with it, and then I tried a number of patterns but never really found anything I loved. To stripey for a Monkey. But I never really wanted a plain stockinette sock. Enter the Sunday Swing Sock from Knitty. Completely perfect for stripey sock yarn - it knocks the stripes a little off balance and has just enough change up in the pattern to make it NOT a plain old stockinette sock. I used a reverse chart I found on ravelry for the second sock for a mirrored pattern. Damn fine if I don't say so myself!

Knitting was scarce for a while when I was feeling so sickly, but I feel it coming back with a vengeance. One of my goals for today is wind up yarn for a baby gift for an upcoming niece or nephew - birthday surprise - so I have some good and easy hospital knitting. And there are countless socks that need mates, so there's always that. And for a birthday present today, I bought this. Now to find the right yarn....

I'm not sure how much I'll be writing in the coming months. It's really so hard these days. Meli is almost two(!!!) and is constantly telling me to put whatever it is I'm doing down and PAY ATTENTION TO HER. Sleep is scarce around here as well and I'm tired. The computer isn't where I'm at most days. If it wasn't for my smartphone (I'm a DROID girl) I would never know anything about anything. Unless it happens on Sprout. So pathetic.

If I'm not here please know that I'm thinking about you. This blog has been a major part of my life for just about half the previous decade. Scary to think, but it's true. I have treasured it - AND YOU - for there is no it without you and am so glad it all came into my life. Whatever happens to this blog - whatever iteration it takes on - it will always be a hallmark of my 30s and I will never forget the friends it brought to my life. Thank you so much for reading.

I wish you all a wonderful new year and a fantastic decade to come.
L, C

Turns out, Dr. Internet was right about the opthalmic migraines. The retina specialist told me my eyes were completely fine and it was a migraine. I've had it a couple more times now, but it obviously hasn't freaked me out nearly as much. Just really annoying. That first one was REALLY scary though!

Rhinebeck was lots of fun. I didn't bring a camera and even the camera on my phone was broken, so I can't show you proof that I was there, but I was. I didn't really buy much and we didn't make it to the fair on Sunday, opting instead for some family time in the pool at the hotel before the rains came. We had a good time though for sure and I was so glad to see some familiar faces. It seems like a lifetime ago that Rhinebeck was the center of the universe - blasphemy I know - but it doesn't feel like that anymore.

I haven't been feeling very well lately and I'm hoping it passes soon, and Meli seems to have caught something as well. I do have some super cute pictures of her but I don't have them on this computer so I'll have to post them later. Hopefully tomorrow.

The biggest of big news is that WE SOLD OUR APARTMENT! Closed and everything. Done. Finito. And not a moment too soon. I can't tell you what a relief this is and what a difficult sale it was. Our lawyer advised at least three times to back out because the buyers were so diffiicult, but when you're desperate, what are you going to do? It's DONE.

Anyway - life in the suburbs is boring (well - not for me - but to talk about.) I'm not even knitting these days. Seems I don't like to knit when I feel sick. Go figure - just when you need some comfort in your life the comfort makes you feel worse.

I just wanted to check in and say I'm alive. One of these days I'm going to get back in the swing of this here blog. Or at least I can dream. Hope you're all well!

But first, I'll be visiting a Retina Specialist because of a little incident I had yesterday. I was working a lot on the computer, something I haven't done in a while, and suddenly I had this little spot in my vision that I couldn't see past. It was like I had stared into a lightbulb or something, but it started getting bigger and then it was all jagged and flashing - think holiday lights on speed - and then bigger and bigger and I swear I was having a stroke. Luckily my mom was helping out with Meli yesterday because I was FREAKED!

And then it was gone.

I think most likely I had an opthalmic migraine. The description on the page I linked to fits the incident exactly. But just to be on the safe side, I'm having it checked out.

Never a dull moment. Hope to see you at the 'Beck (as G's taken to referring to it!)

I actually really want to go. I'm not sure why - there's nothing really I want to buy. Of course, there are many people I want to see so that IS the real reason, but there are lots of people that won't be there too and is it worth it to drag my husband and baby through those wet barns?

Sure, I could leave them at the hotel and traipse around by myself, but do I want to do that either? I've been prepping Meli for SHEEEEEEEEP all week.

What's the answer here? HELP!

I hate that I haven't been here much lately. Things are going well behind the scenes - well - sort of well. The previous owner of our house neglected to tell us that the shower (the only shower in the house) leaked when it needed to be regrouted and we were surprised by a leaky hole in our newly painted kitchen ceiling yesterday morning. SURPRISE! And he also neglected to mention that there might be a problem with the heater, which shut off soon after we turned it on the day before yesterday and then proceeded to leak onto the basement floor. SURPRISE AGAIN! The plumber and I are now good friends.

(Yes we had the house inspected. And yes we are looking into our legal rights on these issues.)

Home ownership is fun! I did buy some beautiful mums and some pumpkins (a big one for Daddy, a medium one for Mommy and a baby one for Meli!) for our front step which made me exceedingly happy. Of course that was before the house started to leak everywhere.

Oh and our apartment is off the market. I shouldn't even be saying this but we're out of the LONGEST ATTORNEY REVIEW ON RECORD and await the joys of inspection. If this deal closes it will be a miracle. The only good thing about it is we won't own it anymore. Enough said.

Meli is fantastic. I wish I had pictures to show you - I took some on Labor Day (really truly that's the last time I took pictures of her. How pathetic is that?) But I haven't had the opportunity to process them yet. My office is on the third floor and I've started working again (not that I've been getting any work done) but I can't really be up here with Meli so I never really get up here. Eventually the plan is to have a computer station in the basement where the playroom is and then hopefully I can be on the computer while she plays. I actually go DAYS without being online. It's good I guess, if I felt like I was being productive in other ways, but really I feel completely out of touch.

Back to Meli. She runs, she jumps (well - she tries really hard), she sings, she talks NONSTOP. For the most part she's just a love to be with all day long and I wouldn't trade her for the world but she doesn't like to fall asleep. Once she IS asleep she sleeps great - in her own bed (twin mattress on the floor with this GREAT PRODUCT to protect her from falling the 2" to the ground) in her own room - but getting her to sleep is a total bitch. I've tried a lot of stuff, but I think she just takes a long time to get to sleep. I'm usually out cold before her and then I wake up and stick her in her own bed. We've tried naps, no naps, routines, blah blah blah. She just has trouble going to sleep. But this means I have no time at night to myself, which really sucks. And no real time in the morning to myself which really sucks. Just kind of like no time to myself. My dad's been coming up once a week to play with Meli and that gives me a great break, but I need to find a mother's helper or something. Eventually I'll get to it. Like everything else.

Anyway, so that's what's been going on with me. I've been knitting, like I said, on socks. A new pattern is, believe it or not, in the rotation. I promise promise promise I will take pictures soon! Oh and my boobs stopped leaking - YAY! That was completely annoying and distressing for a bit. I'm loving the fall weather even if I am a bit freezing this morning with no heat. And I'm looking forward to Rhinebeck in a couple of weeks. We'll be the family with the little girl who's head keeps spinning around because of all the sheep. (Although if there were monkeys her head would absolutely explode!) BAAAAAAAAAAA!

We have two tickets for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band that we unfortunately can't use. The details are as follows:

Saturday, October 3, 2009
Giants Stadium
Section 226 (Mezzanine Level)
Row 7; Seats 13-14
7:30 PM
$98 each (Face Value)

Bruce and the Band will be playing Born in the USA in its entirety during the show. Please leave a comment if you are interested in purchasing the tickets. THANK YOU!

PS - Sorry for my silence. My computer time has been basically nil. I hope to get on more frequently in the days to come. I have lots of knitting to show you - and - wait for it - a new to me sock pattern! Hope you're all well! L, C

I'm immensely proud of our nursing relationship and know that our relationship as mother and daughter will always be evolving and that the next period of our loves will be equally rewarding, fulfilling and joyful.

Rinse and repeat. I will get over this. She already has.

On to happier subjects. I'm truly beginning to LOVE our house. It's quickly becoming a home with all of the frustrations and headaches and sweet details I try hard to remember when I'm pissed about the headaches. For instance, the other day I took a walk with Meli at the park near our house and when we arrived back to our street the ice cream man was here. Nothing says summer and home like the ice cream man. And then, I was putting back the garbage cans and I saw a cardinal sitting on the point of the garage roof. We see cardinals ALL the time. And don't get me started on the crickets. I can open up the windows (I hadn't opened up the windows in the apartment for over a year because of all the construction - and even then I don't think I heard a chirp. Not one chirp) and hear those crickets go to town. Just opening the windows alone is worth the price of admission.

The house is coming together at a snail's pace. I've had a lot of one step up, three miles back moments, but I'm living with it. I had a handyman come out yesterday to address the book problem (i.e. where the hell to put all of them) and I wasn't really thrilled with his solution, so again, one step up and a giant leap backwards. Evenutally it will all be put away - or if not - we have a nice big attic and lots of storage. Ugh.

We had a block party the other day on our little street and it was a lot of fun hanging with our neighbors and getting to know everyone. The amount of children on our block is staggering and Meli will never have a shortage of playmates. She's a bit younger than most of the kids, but so far they all love her and are very sweet with her (an abundance of 5 yr olds, it seems.) Makes me love the house even more.

Fingers crossed but it looks like we may have oldsay the partmentay. Don't want to tempt the fates. It will be such a relief to have that gone.

And I've been knitting. I have one repeat and the toe left to do on the first socks of my second batch of monkeys! So maybe, just maybe, I'll have a picture on this old blog sometime soon. And maybe it will be of knitting. Rhinebeck's only a MONTH away! Meli's head is going to explode this year. SHEEP! SHEEP! SHEEP! BAAAAAAAAAAAA!

L, C

I have my kitchen 99.9% done, my bedroom 99.9% done, my office 75% done - but the important part like Internet. And my new desk from Ikea which was something of a bitch to build, but very very nice. Ann came over today and now my dining room is 99.9% done. She made me feel so much better. Thank you my friend! Oh and she brought Meli the cutest sweetest bench for her new backyard! Thank you!!!

Here are things I'm loving: my movers! YES - I LOVED MY MOVERS! I know, it's crazy, but I can't say enough good things about Suddath Moving Company. They were fantastic right from the start and my moving crew - headed up by one fine chic named Chris. She and her team were funny, respectful, and completely hardworking. I actually missed them when they finally left us. (Also I might have been freaking out at the sheer number of boxes in my house.)

My Levelor Cellular Shades from Lowes. LOVE THEM! They're cordless which is awesome because Meli likes to play with the cords and it scares me because she puts them around her neck. They came in fast, the installers from Lowe's were great and they look nice and are totally functional. I have black outs (which are REALLY DARK) and some that let in light and they are some of the best purchases I've made for my house.

There's something else I love but I can't remember now.

I'm exhausted. Moving totally sucks and I can't wait until the house feels like ours, really, and I'm begging to get back into a routine, but I fear that won't be for awhile. Oh and toddlers and unpacking don't mix very well.

Tomorrow Meli and I are heading down the shore to my sister's. It's the last week really that we can hang on the beach before school starts and I need to get away from "home." I actually think I might miss it when I'm gone.

I'll see you when I get back and hopefully have some pictures for you. I just hope I can find my camera in all this mess.

Thanks for all your good wishes. It's nice to have people out there rooting for you. I really appreciate it.

Also fate continued to show me that while we don't have the best luck, we don't have the worst luck either. We got an offer on the apartment yesterday. It might not be THE offer, but it's an offer and traffic has ramped up considerably in the last week or so. There may be an end to this yet.

I'm not sure when I'll be back on line - Verizon has proven itself to be just as wonderful as the cable companies of old - but as soon as I am I'll check back in.

Okay. There are still lots of boxes to pack. Movers will be here in two hours.
L, C

I'm definitely not pregnant, just stressed. And filled with memories.

So we started night weaning last Thursday night. Georgie had Friday off (for his birthday - sorry honey!) and I thought it was a good night to start because it gave me three nights where we didn't have to wake up early. (I link to a site on night weaning which I basically used as a guideline - no nursing between the hours of 11PM and 6AM - otherwise we're kind of doing our own thing but I think it's a great resource, so I link.)

The first night I nursed Meli to sleep right before 11PM and honestly fell asleep so she was on the boob for awhile after 11. But then we settled in. She woke up around 4AM and cried and cried but I didn't nurse her. I tried to hold her and comfort her but she's a stubborn little girl so she pulled out the big guns:

"Pease! Pease! Pease!"

BOING! CRASH! That sound you heard was the arrow piercing my heart and shattering it into a million pieces. I've been trying to teach her please and thank you and here she goes and uses please CORRECTLY and WITHOUT PROMPTING and I can't give in. Yeah. Mommy breakdown moment. I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken heart.

That first night we ended up being up from 4AM until 6AM, with 5:50 to 6 being the longest 10 minutes of my life. Thank god for Sprout. I nursed her the minute the clock hit 6 and she was asleep within thirty seconds and slept until like 10AM. I was bone tired and felt like I had totally given in at that 6AM mark.

The second night I was a bit better prepared. I had her milk and her water close at hand and was fully prepared for a night of Thomas the Tank Engine. She woke up around 1AM and wasn't as fitful and angry as the night before, but still had some ammunition. This time it was a plaintive wail of:

"I know, I know, I knoooooowwwww!"

She says this because this is what I say to her when she's upset. I hug her and pat her and say, "I know, my love, I know." So when she's upset, she tells herself the same thing. Only it sounds so much more sad and pathetic when she cries it than when I say it. "I knooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww!"

Luckily, this only went on for about ten or fifteen minutes before she trailed off and went to sleep. I think she woke up again around 3AM and did another round of "I knows" but all in all it was MUCH more successful than the night before.

The third night it got even better. She would cry and complain but quickly go back to sleep. She was never up for more than five minutes at a time, although it seems to me she was sleeping a lot lighter than she usually did. For instance, most times I can move her around in bed without waking her (like when she's turned sideways and is kicking me in the back) but that night any time I moved her the slightest she woke up. So I stopped moving her and woke up with a sore back from trying not to move all night.

The fourth night I don't remember so well, although I think it was a little bit worse than the third night. The fourth night became about her sippy cup, which I gave to her and she clung to like a talisman. I tried to take it away from her once. ONCE. Yeah.

Last night was the fifth night and I really didn't have many high hopes that things would be better than the fourth or third night. She was doing okay and NOT nursing and honestly that's really what I'm weaning her for - the NOT nursing. If I have to go without sleep, well, sleep is for sissies anyway.

The fifth night I was armed with her current favorite stuffed animal, dog. I nursed her to sleep around 10PM and while I was nursing her I told her that we were going to say goodnight to nursies and then sleep all night long and that in the morning we could have nursies again. I told her that Mommy would be next to her all night and that I would hold her if she was sad but that everything would be okay.

Wouldn't you know it? She's still asleep. It's 6:26 AM and she's still asleep and she hasn't nursed ONCE all night. Not only hasn't she nursed, but she hasn't woken up at all either. She tossed and turned a lot and she seemed to need to be TOUCHING me the entire night, but she didn't wake up. In fact, at around 5:45 AM she laughed in her sleep. Nothing better than the sleep laugh.

I know the kind of night we had because I didn't sleep. I waited for her to wake up. I alternately panicked over all the stuff I have to do and all the stuff I haven't done and was completely proud of my little girl for being so big and was devastated that she's so big and I tried to sleep but it didn't really work. Even when I moved her around a bunch - she still didn't wake up.

I'm prepared for the fact that tonight she might wake up every hour on the hour demanding to nurse, but if she can do it once, she can do it again.

We move a week from today and I've already run out of small book boxes with still more books to go. Yipee!
L, C

We were talking about all my paint sampling and Ann commented that it's just like a gauge swatch and really it is. So necessary. Annoying. You hate that you have to keep trying new combinations but oh so worth it in the end.

I'm trying to match an area rug in the dining room and I started out with the three colors directly to the left of the doorway. Way too light, not enough red, practically blend in with the woodwork. (By the way - don't the floors look great? Just some sanding and poly - no stain - that's how they look. I'm so happy to have wood floors!!)

I went redder in the next go around. The winner is in this picture. Actually - the winner is in ALL of the pictures. Is it this one?

Nope! But maybe Meli likes that best. C'mon baby girl! Show us the winner!

That's Pomegranate. Here's the swatch:

I actually think there's a bit more purple in it than the swatch, but it's pretty close. The best part is when G was at the house and I had the rug down he chose this color and the color to the right of it as the two finalists. When I first put the paint up on the wall, they looked almost identical. In the end, the color to the right is a tad darker. And pomegranates are G's favorite, so it's only fitting that the namesake color adorn the walls of our dining room.

Tomorrow they start the paint!! They were supposed to start last week but the floors took a bit longer and then we had to let them dry. They were then supposed to start today. That's why Meli's in her diaper - I literally took her out of bed, still sleeping, so I could get to the house in time to let them in only to have the foreman tell me they're starting tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow - it's only a DAY AWAY!

I feel like once the paint is on the walls the house is really mine. Even though they've already hung my new chandelier and put up a bazillion baby gates and we bought a new kitchen table and chairs at Ikea this weekend (thank goodness for their odd sizes since the kitchen doesn't really have a lot of space for a table and yes I'm mixing my woods) and I'm about to order my new bathroom vanities and pick up the sconces tomorrow and...and...and! So many details.

When I'm not obsessing about the new house, I'm procrastinating on a job I MUST finish by packing. So far I've got about 55 boxes done - ALL BOOKS. And there's still a bunch more to do. I haven't even touch the knitting books. I feel like if I can just get the books packed it will all be good. Although I'm terribly depressed because my Ikea bookcases that have lined my walls for the past 12 years pretty much won't fit in any of the rooms I've designated as book rooms in the new house. I've looked around but bookcases are expensive! I guess I've been able to have so many because Billys are cheap. I don't know what I'm going to do, but packing up all my books has been sad - especially since I'm not quite sure when they'll be unpacked.

But tomorrow the painters start! And if all goes well, we'll be moving two weeks from today. Or tomorrow. YAY!

It's really not the best representation. If you want to, go here and see it. (Although I think the color is actually a bit more blue and a bit less gray on my wall.)

This gorgeous color (trust me - it's beautiful!) will grace my bedroom walls. It matches perfectly with the great carpet we got which changes between a gray/blue and a deeper midnight-ish blue depending on how you look at it. The carpet is pretty neat: it's made from corn. Besides been kind of "green," it's super soft and cushy. We're doing the bedrooms, hallway and stairs with variations of it.

They started working on the house at the end of last week. (And by they I mean the tradesmen that will make my life hell for the next couple of weeks. We're three days in and already I'm ready to quit.) The electricians are gone and the floor guys started today (we're having the first floor wood floors refinished. Figured it was good to get that done while the house is empty.) Then paint, then finish the floors, then carpet then MOVE! I've packed a total of...TWO boxes. Books. I'm not sure you've ever seen my house, but my book collection makes my yarn collection look like I started knitting two weeks ago. Truly. The really sad thing is that I have barely any wall space in the new house for all the bookcases. There are a TON of windows - literally walls of windows, which is wonderful and makes our Tudor home bright and cheery, but doesn't leave a lot of wall space for bookshelves. For sure a lot of them will end up in storage. Anyway, I've packed two boxes of books. Only 58 more to go.

Another thing about the new house: I have my own yarn/fiber room! There is a really lovely sun room off of the main entrance/hallway and it's ALL windows (except for the doorway wall) and it's got a slate floor and I've bought a lovely area rug (the pattern is the same as the gorgeous one I bought for the dining room - only it's a different color scheme.) Eventually I'll get a nice chaise chair and some other seating but as soon as we move in my fantastic yarn cabinet (it's worth it to click on all the links - in the order linked) will go in there and my wheel! I'm going to make sure my wheel has a special place in the house. The poor thing has been in storage for forever!

The victory in the title is the whole reason I can write this post. Weaning Meli continues on with the usual ups and downs. One of my biggest problems is that I nurse her to sleep and I can't NOT nurse her to sleep. Other people, like my mom and dad, can get her to fall asleep without nursing, but unless we're out and about and she falls asleep in the car or on a walk, I have to nurse her to sleep. She just won't let herself go. Welp, today, after a long day of tantrums and play and general clingy-ness to the point of exhaustion, she let me sing and rock her to sleep. SANS BOOB! I was even able to put her down on the bed and she stayed asleep! I can't tell you what a triumph this is for me. There's hope that we won't be nursing forever! (Especially since I have to be DONE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY by the first or second week of September.) Full disclosure: while I was writing this blog post she woke up and I went into bed and nursed her back to sleep. Otherwise she would never have stayed sleeping and she wasn't ready to wake up and I wasn't done writing. See what I sacrifice for the blog?

So, small victories. I really shouldn't be blogging at all. I should be working or packing or folding laundry. But no, I'm blogging and it feels really good! Thanks!

It's not the best representation. If you want to, go here and see it.

And here's my beige kitchen:

Realtor Photo

There isn't actually a lot of wall space in the kitchen that will be painted. The tiles go up really high and there are a few nice big windows with wide wood trim. The kitchen overall is pretty good - not the best, not the worst. We have a lot of cabinets, but surprisingly little counter top space. Who am I kidding? There's a refrigerator, a dishwasher and there will be a microwave soon. The kitchen's PERFECT.

We're only painting a few rooms in the house - a couple of bedrooms, the dining room and the kitchen. Believe it or not, I've had a crisis of confidence when it comes to color. But after painting a few samples on the walls yesterday I'm feeling better.

This awesome yellow is a great start.

PS - Thank you all for the comments yesterday. They're still all going to the junk folder but I tweeked things a little bit this morning so hopefully I'll be getting comments emailed to me again. Off to meet with painters this morning then joining my siblings and parents for a weekend at the beach. Hope you have a good one. Next up: The Master Bedroom Color. It's a good one!